Quoted directly from the Steam page, Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is “the weirdest and most messed up simulator in the history of sandbox shooters.” Brought to you by Asmodev and Ultimate Games S.A. This mockumentary will have you in stitches as you venture through the fantastic world of modern Poland, slashing any Shatans standing in your way and following along with the messed-up story that will have you questioning what you just purchased.

You are Orlok, a vampire launched out of an elevator from hell and landed in a little village called San De Ville in Poland. Upon landing in San De Ville, you meet a parson named Torpedo and his followers, who perform an exorcism on you. This exorcism relieves you of your curse, which removes your powers. Join Orlok as Torpedo forces him to don a cassock and perform humiliating tasks for the church, all to regain his powers and return to hell and his Batoon, a bat raccoon. The Her Ghost DLC also adds another quest that continues the events of Vampire Show. Naturally, it would only add to the game’s quirky, action-packed, witty dialogue.

Keeping it simple, the game doesn’t immediately overload you with multiple controls; It eases you into it. Standard movement keys paired with the LMB and RMB spamming to attack things with your left or right hand make for a simple learning experience to jump right into the action. Progressing further through the story, you will unlock more weapons, abilities and options on what you can do, such as telekinesis, a baseball bat, a mop to clean graffiti, and a crucifix, to name a few.

The enemies and boss fights are easy to defeat. However, you can recruit helpers by using R, and they will follow and help you until they get distracted. Spamming LMB and RMB did get repetitive, but the story dialogue made up for it with its witty characters. I can’t complain too much about the fighting as it is action-packed, obviously with the better weapons you unlock. Speaking of unlocking things, as you progress through the story, you will also unlock upgrades or renovations you can make to the church.

To do this, you will need the required resources, which you can acquire by destroying various scraps scattered around the map. There are also upgrades you can make to these weapons by obtaining blueprints. These blueprints also get given to you as you progress through the game, and you can craft these in the church’s basement.

Being a single-player-only game, it felt repetitive for me. Slay foes, complete quests, answer phones, etc., sometimes got a little stale. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t take away from the game’s uniqueness, but I wish the fights had a little more pizzazz. However, as I stated before, the utter chaos-filled story kept me hooked on what would happen next. It had me in stitches the whole way through, so it was well worth soldering through the grind.

The looks of Priest Simulator: Vampire Show are decent. The contrast between pale and muted pastel colours provides a pleasant “demonic” aura, and the story scenes look like they were shot on a VCR. Aside from the chaotic plot, the overall look was surprisingly nice on the eyes. There were hints of bright colours where they were needed but weren’t overdone, giving the eyes a charming experience.

If you’re a fan of black metal, then this game is for you. The soundtrack for Priest Simulator: Vampire Show further aided in the enjoyment of this game. Get in a fight? Turn the radio on?

You are immediately met with black metal in English and Polish, providing an atmospheric sense of thrill and adrenaline as you slash those dastardly Shatans. The voice actors were, how do I say, great. Described on the Steam page as a “Fully unprofessional English version”, I found the storylines to suit the experience superbly.

Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is unique because it doesn’t make sense. Throughout the story, I constantly questioned what was going on, what I was doing, and what I had gotten myself into, which made it fun. Apart from getting a little stale at times, I still had numerous amounts of fun thanks to the insane soundtrack, lovely colours and the sheer chaos of the story itself.

Written by: Larry